iron mind

Welp.

Hi Tumblr,

I’ve been neglecting this “blog” for quite sometime now, mainly because my fitness has been slacking. I was going to the gym pretty steadily and then holidays came and went, attached with my motivation. 

Like almost every human on the planet, I set goals for myself for the year. My first goal will be completed as of Thursday, which was eating completely meat and dairy free for an entire month. I thought it was going to be really difficult, but it really opened my eyes to how creative I could be in the kitchen. I utilized spices other than salt and really took some chances on ingredients I wouldn’t normally purchase. I’ve become a bit addicted to tofu scrambles on Saturday morning and have begun to appreciate how good for you things like kale are. I also tried to eat as many fruits and vegetables as possible with VERY minimal meat substitute. Some of the stuff is seriously high in sodium and calories.

My next goal to tackle is going to start just as my other goal ends, I’m going to start training for a 5k. Hopefully I’ll be able to get together with my good friend Matt to do some strength training and work on my overall fitness, but my main goal will be to start running. I was doing Zumba classes for quite a long time, and again, started to slack off. It’s times like these when it is REALLY hard not to get angry with myself. I will persevere, as I always do.

One thing that I just want to blow right out of the water is how sick I am of how OBSESSED everyone is with “fat”, “skinny”, carbs, fat, calories. From this day on, there is going to be no more emphasis on body shapes, only strength. I already feel bad enough about the way I look, but watching people post on Facebook about how fat someone is or fat people “aren’t real people,” is genuinely hurtful. 

It seems like people have some kind of preconceived notion that because I’m overweight, I must eat total garbage every single day of my life. In reality, I eat a 5-6 small meals a day like “they” suggest. I wasn’t blessed with an incredible metabolism and I’m going to have to work VERY hard to get myself to an ideal weight. I don’t want compassion, I just want people to be a little understanding, this shit SUCKS. I recognize there is a problem that needs to be fixed in my life and I’m trying. Try to keep your fat hate away from me otherwise you’re on my shit list.

Here’s to new beginnings and goals accomplished.

Return to strength

Well, I fell off the tumblr wagon. WHUPS.

A lot has changed since, for instance I’m now at a total loss of 30lbs, I have started running and I attend two Zumba classes a week (it’s seriously so awesome). 

When I started my weight loss I was on this really special diet, it was extremely low calorie and VERY low carb. One day I kind of woke up and realized that I could keep losing weight by eating what I wanted and that I wasn’t going to have someone tell me that I couldn’t work out anymore. I was super over it. 

I’m happy to report that I’ve had success thus far with losing weight (and I can eat bread again!!!!!) and I continue to keep kicking my ass as hard as humanly possible. 

Two of my saving graces for a successful work out: Trapped Under Ice & Lady Gaga. You wanna hit that Stairmaster for 10 minutes? You’ve got to load up your iPod with the Terror discog. Otherwise, you’re doing it WRONG.

Walking with a ghost

Since I last wrote, I have had two weigh ins which have brought my total weight loss to 18lbs since late August. I’ve been pleasantly surprised with my results and the length of time it’s taken me to get here.

When I first started this diet, I was so scared that I wasn’t going to be able to follow through; it all seemed so heavy and so unattainable. It was like I was drowning in the middle of the ocean, but I was supposed to be on dry land. It can get SO discouraging when you’re so far away from your goal that you just can’t see the finish line. It’s hard, it sucks and giving up and eating an entire pizza sounds really good most of the time.

What’s important is realizing WHY I’m doing it in the first place. I want this so badly that I just can’t cheat. I can’t give up. I can’t stop. I have such a hard time living in the now, I’m always weeks or months ahead of myself.  Instead of being proud that I’ve lost as much weight as I have, I ask myself why I haven’t lost more. One of the lessons that I need to learn is to not being so damn hard on myself. To really congratulate myself on what I have overcome and not be so overwhelmed with the struggle I have ahead of me.

I’ve just had one of those weeks where I see everything with such a shade of gray over it. I’ve been having a hard time remaining positive and I’ve not pushed myself very hard at all. I expect more out of myself because I know what I’m capable of. I just need to really step it up and follow through. I need to take one day at a time and I need to be proud of what I’ve achieved so far.

First Zumba class tomorrow.. I’m so. Excited.

**I’ve decided that I’m going to start posting my stats every week**

• Highest weight: 278lbs
• Starting weight: 265lbs
• Current weight: 247lbs
• Goal weight: Undecided
• Body fat % (starting): 50.1%
• Body fat % (current): 48.9%

I’m a loner, Dottie, a rebel.

Third weigh in on Friday, I’ve totaled a 15lb weight loss so far. I also got my hair done on Saturday and it looks fabulous. Still, I’ve been a little depressed lately.

It’s really sad when your “best friends,” are the least supportive people in your life. They disappear when you need them. They don’t text, don’t talk, don’t have anything nice to say. I’ve been feeling really alone and like maybe it’s time for me to evaluate some of the relationships I have in my life. I guess I’ve just been feeling really left out.  Thankfully I’ve got a great support system that’s mostly made up of family.. Especially Alex. He’s been incredible. Still there’s a part of me that makes me wish I had a best friend again. I miss that.

It’s funny how alienating positive life change can be.

I’ll post something a little more cheery later, I’m going to the gym.

Walking on broken legs.

Today was the second time that I’ve gone on a hike in the last three days. Sunday it was a little over an hour to hike three miles (it felt like it was all uphill too) and today same hike, a little less than an hour. My calves have been screaming at me for the last two days, but today I said, “fudge it,” and made myself.

I work from 7AM to 3PM, Monday-Friday; by the time I’m done with work I want to put my pups up on the couch, put Roseanne on Netflix and pass out. This can be especially tricky, because most people that know me know that I’m quite a grumpy asshole when I wake up from a nap. Anyways. I had made plans with my second mama Kim that I was going to come up to the mountain after work and walk with her. Alex has been tagging along too.

I saw through my desperate desire to sleep, put on my Vibrams and headed out.

The real bitch about this hike, is that at the very beginning of it there’s a ginormous incline. It’s like it’s giving you a glimpse into the future that you’re going to want to die at some point on the trail. Kim looked over at me, between conversations, and every now and then would ask me how I was doing. When we got to the half way point she asked me if we were taking the short loop or the long loop. Being as hard headed as I am, I said long loop.

Hearing myself push myself that way was pretty damn empowering. Even though my calves hurt and I’m probably going have an unsightly amount of mosquito bites all over my body, I saw through the various amounts of animal poop on the trail and trudged on.

I guess that’s the way I’m looking at my final goal. Getting there is going to be hard. I’m going to cry and I’m going to be miserable, but ultimately I’m going to push myself harder than I’ve ever pushed myself before. Fight me.

Scott Vogel, give me strength.

Here’s to letting go

As I’ve said before, my body is changing. There’s been this incredible domino effect that’s been rippling through my life because of those first few steps I took. I’m naturally kind of an angry person.. More likely to see the good than the bad, most likely I have a negative attitude the things going on around me.

There were people in my life that I refused to forgive, because in my mind they had hurt me so badly that the emotional scar was just incredible. It never hurt that I’m REALLY good about salting my own wounds.

For some reason, I never really put two and two together: the sooner I let it go and forgave those people, the sooner I could get it out of my head and the sooner I could get on with my life. I don’t want to be bitter anymore, I don’t want to harbor so much anger inside of me. I want to live my life free of drama and bullshit.

Now I have a husband and soon to be a brand new life. Why should I waste that?

Iron mind I weld with time to rebuild myself

Second weigh in today..

I’VE LOST 10.8 POUNDS SO FAR THIS MONTH! Not to mention 2% body fat.

I can’t begin to describe how absolutely elated I am with my progress. Every pound I lose makes me feel that more confident that I can actually do this. That I can actually achieve my goals. To celebrate, I treated myself to a nice new nail polish.

I’ve started setting realistic goals for myself, 10 pounds a month. I’ve already surpassed that, so my eye of the tiger is gunning for 15. Try and stop me.

Tomorrow I plan on going back to the gym. I’m going to get back to doing cardio 30 minutes a day, five days a week. I’m not exactly sure if this will assist me in dropping pounds, but I know it makes me feel good. I’m not allowed (per my doctor’s orders) to start working out yet, but when I can I’m going to put the Promise up in the head phones and I’m going to give it everything I have.

Any friends I have that want to help me with this journey (corny, but that’s what it is), are more than welcome. I could always use someone to go to the gym with or go on walks with. Or even just someone to talk to. This kind of thing is super emotional and really hard at times. When you’re around people that are eating things that you want to be eating and you can’t, it turns you into a crabby bitch every once in awhile. It’s hard to remind yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing in the first place. Emotional support is definitely going to be important the further I get into my weight loss. I need to keep my friends closer and start strengthening those bonds, they’re more important than any slice of delicious cheese pizza (and a can of Coke) could ever be.

Quarter life crisis

I made the joke today to one of my co-workers that I’m having a quarter life crisis - I’m wondering if maybe it’s true. Have you ever wanted to change everything in your life, all at once.. As fast as humanly possible? That’s what I’m going through.

After the wedding and after the honeymoon, I decided that I was going to take charge of my life and that I was going to get healthy. I started on an assisted diet plan & last weigh in (6 days in), I had lost 6lbs.. That felt pretty great. After clumsily stepping on my glasses, I figured rather than walking around with an inch of tape on the glasses I had, that I’d just fork out the money and get real, adult glasses. Small changes at first.

Tuesday after work I decided, for no apparent reason, that everything in our bedroom was pissing me off. So I tore everything apart and I rearranged it. The next day I proceeded to gut out our apartment and give away about 70% of my clothes. I was over it.

Today was all mental. I started thinking about how my entire life I’ve always put myself down and made myself feel bad about the person I was (inside and out) and started linking that to the people I chose to have in my life.

Let’s be real, if you’ve never been a tom boy, you wouldn’t understand why a young girl would rather wear over sized nu-metal tee shirts and baggy jeans. It’s the same thing when you’re fat. You can never expect someone that’s never been overweight in their life to understand what it will do to your brain. I kind of put together a pattern in my head today of all the childhood friends I had, even the ones I’ve had in my adulthood and realized the horrible truth. Girls. Are. Fucking. Crazy. 

If they’re not putting each other down about something, they’re boasting about how much everyone else thinks they’re attractive. You try to introduce something positive into your life and they find some way of backhandedly knocking it. It’s like they emotionally piss all over you to mark their territory to make you feel inferior or bad about yourself so that they can, in turn, feel better about themselves. Girls, we all feel bad about ourselves anyway. Instead of being catty, why don’t we just support each other and throw one another a compliment every now and again. Support positive change and use it to inspire yourself. Don’t let jealousy and insecurity turn you into something that no one wants to be around.

I think I need my space from people for awhile. Work on me and work on my head.. Try to get things right this time.